Who needs a World Cup when we have the Olympics?

The Olympics is a kiddie tournament in soccer. It is played with Under-23 teams -- plus three overage players with nothing else do that summer -- so it doesn't crown a champion of anything, except the awkward in-between age when you should be competing to play in a World Cup, but aren't really good enough.

Oh, and the IOC keeps all of the money from the Olympics and the soccer world is not having that.

What's changed since the last World Cup?

When we last saw the World Cup, it was in South Africa. Spain were crowned champions, Nigel de Jong hadn't been charged with assault and Lionel Messi was the best player in the world.

Now, Spain are still champions of the world, de Jong still hasn't been charged with assault and Messi is the best player in the world with his shirt on while Cristiano Ronaldo is the best player in the world with his shirt off. There is also goal-line technology, hydration breaks and instead of vuvuzelas being the soundtrack for the tournament, it will now be some of the most passionate soccer fans in the world.

How did these 32 teams get here?

They flew, apart from Brazil, who were already there. And before that, they flew to a bunch of places while taking part in a two- or three-year qualifying process. Qualifying is broken down by region, with Europe getting 13 automatic places, Africa getting five, South America and Asia four, and CONCACAF -- which is North America, Central America and the Caribbean -- gets three.

And just in case that's not enough math for you, there are half places, where a team from one region qualifies for a playoff against a team from another region. Those are awesome because two legs determine a spot in the World Cup. Awesome, unless your team is in it. Then you spend 180 minutes crying in the corner.

The only exception is Brazil, who qualified automatically as hosts.

How does FIFA choose the host?

They find the country whose combination of most money and fewest morals best suits their bank accounts.

What's FIFA?

When you're talking about a global organization and the first answer in a word association game is "corrupt" ... you don't want to know.

Where are the matches being played?

All matches are being played in Brazil. It's a really big country in South America. That guy from the show River Monsters is always there catching giant catfish, piranhas, and arapaimas (a fish that can grow upwards of eight feet long).