Smart condoms: like Fitbit for sex – and you can even share your stats

Ever wondered how many calories you’re burning in the bedroom? The i.Con condom, which keeps track of your sex stats, could be the answer 

Name: Smart condoms.

Appearance: A discreet, lightweight ring, currently hidden inside a black box.

Age: Coming soon.

Smart condoms? Yes.

You mean they are organic latex and scented with bergamot? Worse. In fact, the first smart condom isn’t even a condom. It’s a ring that fits around the base of a penis, holding the condom in place.

Why not use a clothes peg, or a rubber band? Intensely painful, I’d imagine. Besides, this is no ordinary penis ring.

Are they ever? The first smart condom, called the i.Con, is the new frontier in the wearable-tech revolution.

The wearable-tech revolution that keeps failing to sweep the world? The very same.

I’m slightly afraid to ask this, but what does the i.Con do? To quote its seller’s website, “Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions?”

No. And I would like to add that if you are wondering about those things during intercourse, then the problem isn’t thrust speed. You are free to scoff, but you will be wasting valuable sex data. The i.Con promises to measure all those things, as well as how often you have sex, the girth of your penis, your average skin temperature and (subject to Beta testing) how many different positions you used.

So it’s a Fitbit for your old chap? Basically, yes, although I doubt that will be the slogan, for a number of reasons. You charge it with a USB cable and sync the data with your phone in the usual way. Then share it online, if you wish.

Now there’s something on Facebook that I would actually read. That’s the spirit!

Except this is a hoax, right? It looks like one, I agree, but British Condoms is a real company, and there have been smart condoms, more often called “sex wearables”, before. The concept for a “SexFit” was revealed in 2014.

OK, but seriously. Surely no one will want to have sex with a man who straps an activity tracker to his penis? Wait until they see my stats!

Do say: “Yes! Yes! YES! I’ve broken my weekly thrusts record!”

Don’t say: “Well done, but do you think we could talk about this afterwards?”